I started journaling when I was in elementary school. I’ve gone through 5 journals since then. All of them are full of memories, people, places, and even random drawings. I’ve never been great at speaking up for myself. I’ve never been great at expressing my feelings. I will always pretend everything is fine. My journal tells a different story though. It has everything. If you’re reading this right now, I bet your name has been written in my journal. My journal has allowed me to reflect on everything and allow me to look back days, weeks, months and even years later, and see how I’ve grown. Nobody has ever seen my journals. When thinking about what to write about for this column I had no idea, but I found myself reflecting on my journal entries for ideas. I’ve realized though that there is value in my journals, value that others should know.
So here is what I have to share:
From July 28, 2019: People will surprise you but forgiveness is important.
“We were friends through the ups and downs but you got real down. You made me feel bad when I shouldn’t and brought me down when I was happy. My only safe place was violated.”
From January 1, 2020: Mourning takes time.
“I can still see your smile. I can still feel the roughness of your skin. I could never forget. I love you, I miss you, and I will never forget you.”
From February 19, 2020: People leave but it doesn’t mean you did something wrong.
“Now everyone thinks you’re the best but I know how you feel about every single one of them because we used to tell each other all of that. I’m just the best friend you forgot.”
From February 7, 2022: People forget to tell you that growing old is hard.
“I just want to be little again. A time where we used to wait for Nora at the window, eat snacks after school and dance to the gummy bear song. Getting older sucks and it hurts but I’m excited for my future, good or bad, because there is always something to love and be thankful for.”
From June 26, 2022: Send the unsent letter and speak the unspoken words.
“I know we haven’t talked in awhile and I know we have our regrets. I started to realize that I shouldn’t be caught up on all the things we should have done differently but instead be thankful for the time we spent enjoying each other’s company. I’m forever grateful for having you in my life to teach me about love, hatred, friendship, betrayal, and even right now you are teaching me about gratitude.”
From January 2, 2024: People change.
“She is turning into a different person. She spends too much time with her and wants to show her she’s cool which I hate. Why do we have to prove ourselves to people when we have each other?”
From January 7, 2024: Once again, growing old is hard.
“I know everyone talks about what they would wish for if they could wish for one thing and if that were real I would wish to be a little kid again, oblivious of everything to come, without the weight of everyone else’s lives on your shoulders.”
From January 24, 2024: Driving is hard.
“I just feel horrible. I’m def not the best driver but I never thought I would actually hit someone. I hate myself, someone needs to take my license from me.”
From May 21, 2024: It’s not how it ends, it’s how you got there.
“We lost today in our semifinals so our season is officially over. I didn’t think I would be so upset that it’s over.”
From July 8, 2024: Experience things, even if they are scary and new.
“I was scared we would get caught but we didn’t. It would have been worth it though because we stayed up all night talking about how much we would miss each other.”
From December 5, 2024: People change.
“I just wish things would go back to the start and we could be how we used to be. Something has changed.”
From January 4, 2025: Stop giving effort if you don’t receive it back.
“I feel like I’m the only one who wants meaning.”
From April 3, 2025: Growth.
“All I can say is I’m excited for what’s coming and mourning what’s leaving. But I feel like I will be okay.”
I think of this as my last journal entry of high school. I’ve always been afraid of change. I avoid it at all costs. But change is good. You get hurt, but you come right back. You lose that person, and you find someone else. People who you don’t need leave and the people who love you stay. All I can say is that in the end people remember your actions and the truth. And the truth is in the words we write.
