I’ve been thinking about things that are bigger than myself. Like love, children, growing up, independence and friendship. I’m thinking about where I’ll go to pass time and where I’ll go when it’s time to pass. I’m thinking about birds leaving their nest and my friends moving away. It’s almost time to leave my nest, and I can’t see the ground. Maybe I’ll be okay, but maybe I’ll hit the cold, hard earth first.
I’m thinking about my dreams and what my dreams were when I lost my first tooth and had velcro on my shoes. I wanted to move to the biggest, busiest, fastest city I could find on the map my father keeps in the glovebox. I wanted to have a name that rolled off the tongue because it was so well-known. I wanted to take pictures with little girls who I inspired and be idolized for my craft.
Some days that’s still what I want, and on those days I sit with the younger version of myself, who wore dresses and headbands every day and read picture books with a flashlight under the covers. I watch award shows with her, and we close our eyes, imagining what it’s like to be on that stage. She had skinned knees and kissed every stuffed animal goodnight so none of them would feel left out. On those days when I have the same dreams as that young girl, I feel like I’m standing under a tall wave. It’s terrifying. That dream feels so big, and what if I can’t do it? What if I’m not good enough for the world? For her? for myself?
A lot of days now, I want to live a life without the biggest, busiest, fastest city. I’ll live by the water and take care of something – cultivate and protect their life; whether it’s a child or an animal, I’ll always kiss them goodnight so they never feel left out. Somehow, that is when I feel the closest to the girl with skinned knees, velcro shoes and missing teeth, even though our dreams are not the same. I’ve been thinking about the girls whose names don’t have to roll off the tongue. They know the people who know them, and their persona isn’t bigger than themself. Maybe this girl is a teacher, and she can still take pictures with little girls who are inspired by her. I’ve been thinking a lot about that. My mother says focus on tomorrow, but instead, I’m looking at all the tomorrows and thinking. Wondering. Standing on the edge of the nest.
