Alternative facts for life

Jane Mather-Glass, Opinion Columnist

You might have heard that alternative facts are “lies” or “falsehoods,” but really they’re a perfect solution to all your problems throughout high school and life in general!

Here’s the context. A few Sundays ago, Presidential counselor Kellyanne Conway was interviewed on Meet the Press. Chuck Todd, the host, asked Conway about why Press Secretary Sean Spicer claimed that far more people had attended Trump’s inauguration than had actually gone. To this, Conway responded that Spicer had just given “alternative facts.” How did we not realize this before? Conway has taught us that if you don’t like a fact, you can just change it and call it alternative. It’s not a falsehood like Chuck Todd argued–it’s just something different to believe.

Now, an alternative fact might sound like an opinion to you. Opinions are defined by having multiple viewpoints, while facts cannot be changed. However, Conway has assured us it’s not. Yes, if you look at the side-by-side comparisons of Trump’s inauguration and Obama’s, the difference in attendees is obvious, but if Trump didn’t want to believe this, why should he have to? They say numbers don’t lie, but really, we never know!

You can even apply alternative facts to your everyday life. Maybe you have a bad grade on your transcript and you’re applying to colleges. Write your school a letter and tell them, “Hey, I know it says ‘F’ on my transcript, but I thought I’d let you know that’s an alternative ‘B.’” They’ll be glad you reached out–it shows integrity and commitment.

For that matter, why not walk out of school on a Thursday at 2:09? You can say, “It’s an alternative Monday,” and no one can get mad at you! If you choose to believe it’s a Monday, no one can stop you. Is your teacher mad at you because you turned in your homework weeks late? They won’t be after you tell them today is the alternative due date! They can’t tell you it’s wrong–despite it being wrong–because you choose to believe it’s right.

You can use this with your parents too. Maybe they’re mad at you for coming home at 2 a.m. and want to ground you. Your response? “Sorry, you can’t get mad at me, 2 a.m. is an alternative curfew.” Situation diffused!

Maybe someone thinks you’re being blatantly offensive and rude. Nope, not anymore. You’re just being alternatively respectful. Or if you got every answer wrong on a test, tell your teacher you just picked the alternatively correct answers. You’re guaranteed a 100 percent after that.

This solution to our problems is so perfect it seems almost impossible that it took us as a society hundreds of years to figure it out. Who knew that if you just turned indisputable facts into opinions and gave them a new name, you’d never be wrong? Thanks to Conway, in the year 2017 we are literally debating what a fact is. Is that a sign of societal progress or what? Who knows what indisputable topic we will be trying to debate in the coming four years!